Reading it it dawned on me that hubby and I might be destroying each other...he keeps me near him because he can't bear to part with me...I stay because I am scared of abandonment..I stay because of obligations...I stay because I am too weak to leave..I hate hurting people...especially him and our kids..
I have had an inkling for a long time now...years...hubby loved' me too much to ever be someone who can handle me...he is scared of losing me too much to ever shift the balance in our relationship...
years have gone by and the shift have gone too much to one end...our relationship is unbalanced...I know that no matter what he does it didn't matter...for it's not what I want...by sheltering me he's made me weak...made me totally dependent on him...
this year have been an eye opener..I have ventured out of my comfort zone..have realised that it's no so bad..and it's made me happy...happy that I learnt new things..happy that I have managed to be a bit more self sufficient..
before a simple train trip would have terrified me...made me anxious for days beforehand...for someone who used to not be scared of anything..wandered everywhere... have grown to be a shell of my former self..
"She's got a good brain and never used it since she married your father...she wasn't suited to being a domestic paragon and didnt enjoy the things that went with the job...she'd have been a better mother to ....if she hadn't seen so much of you"
"She'd probably have been happier married to a man whom she had to try to please, rather than one who always tried to please her, like your father did"
somehow it sounded too familiar..it's like they are describing me...
have been thinking a lot lately..weighing up stuff...I know what I have to do..what I must do...it saddens me but it must be done...I don't want to sit here in another 20 years still miserable..it's gone on for too long...every time he begged I softened..and then we would be back where we started again..
he's probably right to say that I will never find anyone in this whole wide world that loves me as much as him..
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