Keep On Explaining

Dear H,
The other night you said you can not assume I will be there ..for I had told you don't assume that I will be there..thus that is why you asked my parents..to not bother me...and then still got into trouble for it...you can't win you said...

one of the reasons why I moved down here is because I wanted you not to assume...yet after a year away you still have not understood what it meant to not assume...

when you want to book someone to work for you..you ring them up..you ask them if they were free on that day to work for you...and then it is up to them to say yes or no once they have checked if they had any commitments..and then they will answer you...

I as your wife..you never gave me that courtesy..even when you knew you had a meeting a month in advance you don't bother to tell me assuming that I was your wife..that she is not working...thus she is free to come to all my beck and call...that she has nothing better to do with her time...

it didn't matter what I had planned..as soon as you ring I have to drop my plans and do whatever you needed..be it a meeting at lunch that day...or a staff is sick and you need an extra..yes..whatever I had planned couldn't be as important as what was needed..the business was our bread and butter..it had to come first..

or I would come to work to bring you lunch...to share a beautiful lunch with you..only to turn around to find you gone...you had gone somewhere without telling me where you were going or for how long...you assumed that I was there thus it gave you the freedom to go and do whatever...

have you ever considered what it was like for me when your staff or customer ask me where you have gone? and there I am tongue-tied...for I am like them...I do not know where you have gone or when you will be back..it is even worse when you tell them where you were going and not me...

You can still assume that I will be your back up person..is it too hard to just ask me? give me time? to extend may be just a little bit of that courtesy that you extend to strangers? 

I come to your beck and call because I know without me you have no one else you can depend on..I do it because I don't want you to suffer...I do it because the business is buying me my food...my clothes..thus I have to give back..

all these years, you claim that you love me more than any guys can love me...yet in reality I do not feel loved..I feel like an insignificant being..some days I think I would rather be physically abused by you than being worn down like this..

remember when I used to work at St Vincent's ? I used to catch the train to St Albans...buy groceries every day so it is fresh..before I drive home to cook our dinner...it didn't matter that I have gone to work..came home to prepare dinner...dinner is ready for you when you get home at 8pm..but a phone call from your mum to say she's cooked something..could we go over there? ..so off you would go...

or the time you bought me a car when S was still only a few weeks old..and your sister needed a car to ferry her kids to school..you said okie..you lended it without telling me..it was only after I asked you where is the car you told me...

you reasoned I had no need for it..and the house was close enough to the shopping centre that I could walk there for all my needs..thus your sister must need the car more than me and so you made a logical decision to let her borrow it...

have you ever thought it is my car? or is it because you bought it with your money hence it was your right to let whoever borrow it without asking me ?

remember when you bought that house in East Melbourne? and you said you bought it for me? I never felt that house was mine...the truth was you bought it as an investment..it didn't matter that it had a picket fence..you said you bought it because a house with the picket fence was what I dreamed about..thus you bought it for me...

yes I did dream of a house with a picket fence..but no I did not want that house..for I had no say in it..you bought it without even discussing it with me..I wanted you to sell it for it was a constant reminder of what we were..an odd couple..

or the time you bought me that watch for Christmas..you knew I hated gold stuff..you knew I hated anything fancy yet because you asked your daughter which one she liked so she chose that one..thus you bought it for me..an ugly gold watch studded with tiny diamonds...

the trip recently was like what you said ..the last straw...it showed you treasure your friend more than me and the kids..it hurts..

it was not really an ultimatum..I only brought divorce into it because if you didn't treat me like a wife..then what is the point of being your wife?? might as well get a divorce..

you told me the other night that I need to choose...need to choose to continue my life with you and the kids or go...not hanging on because of what I am missing...but not really wanting it..

I can't choose as yet ..part of me want to stay and give our marriage another shot..part of me don't want to hurt anymore..

V