For The Stupidest Guy

He wrote I must be the stupidest guy in this world..

guess he will have some company then..for she's often thought she was the most stupidest person around..for loving him..someone she's never met..someone much more older than her...16-17 years older..

when he went away she fell..fell so hard she wanted to kill herself...she was going to ram her car into a light pole on the freeway and be done with it...she didn't want to live anymore without him.. he had meant everything to her...

even then she could not find in her heart to hate him...she had loved him too much to hate him..

her friends dissected him up...handed him on a platter along the lines of he is not worth your tears...it is his loss not yours...she thought..no it is my loss...I did something wrong..I chased him away..

weeks went by and still no words..then months went by...still no words..

she was worried sick..didn't know how he was..from what he's let on he wasn't very well..

she prayed that who ever was up there would keep him safe and sound..it didn't matter that she could not be with him anymore..just as long as he still existed she was thankful...

for she's loved him enough to want him happy..and him being happy did not necessarily included her..

she buried herself in work..work was her saviour..at work she felt useful...to see real sufferings made her sufferings seem minute..

she tried to have a bright and happy face for her patients..and in turn they responded..the more happy she was the more she lifted up their spirits..

one said to her...you made my day..sometimes we need a little lift..

in lifting others she found she lifted herself...she laughed more..she giggled more..

only to come back to the unit alone..it is then that she thinks about him..about what they had..she tried in vain to forget him...to convince herself that it was nothing..it was not real..nothing more than boredom..nothing more than a fleeting sensation...

she tried and tried..yet the feelings wouldn't go away..she couldn't kill off her feelings for him...

she thought and thought...may be she had idolised him...may be he's not that great..may be that magic didn't exist...only existed in her imagination...it was not real..

no...it was real..her heart screamed..it was real...she had felt it..felt so close eventhough they were so far apart..

she's never felt like that with anyone else...that was the problem..she couldn't understand why..why she has felt so close to him..how can she feel so close...like they were sitting next to each other in the same room...when in reality they were thousands of miles apart..that notion boggled her..and still does...

she believed things happened for a reason...him going away gave her a new life...a job that she loved...colleagues that was fun to work with and patients that she absolutely adored..

as times goes by she thinks of him here and there..his ipod still play to her everyday on the way to work..

she still loves him...yet she can empathise with him..if she cannot leave her kids...then she can't expect him to...if she can't leave her ordered world...then she can't expect him to...

she wants him to know..know that he is not the stupidest guy in this world...for loving someone is not stupid...

love is the most beautiful gift one can give someone..

she doesn't hope to be with him anymore..she knows what it is like being torn between two worlds..in the end no one benefit...

she just hope he knows that she still loves him...very very much...have never stopped loving him..

and that because of him she knows the magic of love does exist.

she still thinks of that walk..that walk in the park..and that ice cream..a single cone with two scoops...vanilla and rum and raisin...

she will go for that walk..she will have that ice cream..hopefully with him...if not then she will have his scoop of vanilla for him...