Dying

My grandma is dying...she has kidney failure and is now palliative care only..last night my dad rang from the hospital to ask us for advice..how ? so she can go peacefully...hubby saw my distress and asked me if I would like to go see her..then he would drive me to see her..I answered no...I don't want to go when everyone is there..part of me was selfish..I wanted her all to myself..

I knew of this wish years ago when she was still coherent..still with it for you see my grandma have severe dementia..last Thursday I went down to visit her I don't know if she recognised me or not..she was just lying there grunting..it felt like she wanted to tell me something..she kept on looking at me..

I only stayed for 15 minutes..I couldn't stay because I kept on crying..I knew she was dying yet part of me wanted to believe that she would still be there when I go visit her next...I even promised her I'll bring the kids down to see her next time..hubby..she recognised you..for she kept on looking at you and not at me..

Today dad popped over and said if you would like to see her one last time go..she hasn't got very long..
I am hoping that she will still be around so that after school today I will drive the kids down to see her..
why is life so cruel? the people that wanted to live is always taken away..and the people that wanted to die is kept here suffering?

I know it is the right thing to let her go..for she's got no quality of life for the last few years..yet part of me don't want to let her go..
27.8.12